Simple Picture

“How old is he?” he asks
My breath stops for a moment
thoughts swirl
heart beats harder
tears begin to flow
“He isn’t here anymore” I say
My throat feels like it is closing
Tears come
Dread, will there be another
Sadness that he is gone too
Sadness that so many people
in my life
are gone.

©2023 CBialczak

Today I went to see my dad in the Memory Care Unit he lives at. I was showing him pictures of my miniatures and then handed him my phone to show him my latest completed miniature. He began touching pictures and my son’s picture came up. He recognized him.

Little Notes to You (even though you’re gone).

I have wanted to write to you every day
but the sadness and tears have kept me away
I think of it often and say that I’ll try
But each day goes on, each day goes by

I think of the words I’d write in my note
about all of the things said and things that you wrote
I’d write about things that we did in the past
But my sadness and sorrow swallow it up really fast

I hear of the people who lost their loved one
and it seems like these practices all have been done
Things meant to keep all the memories near and alive
Things meant to be said if only you had survived

And so I sit here in tears with my pen and my pad
Thinking of all the good times that we already had
Trying to know that what’s happened is done
Trying to keep going even now that you’re gone.

©2022 CBialczak Poetry

#Writephoto: Out to Sea

KL Caley is the host:

For visually challenged writersthe image shows an island across a stretch of water. Upon which you can see some ruins and a white lighthouse.

Some days are harder than others and today is a difficult one. I don’t know what triggers the hard days. I suppose I need this writing to clear my head. Thanks for reading.


For someday I may see you there
Standing in the open air
Not a figment not a phase
Just my son, the one I’d raised
For now I wait and cry instead
I can’t get sad out of my head
Some days are easy some are not
I try to be thankful for what I’ve got
It doesn’t seem fair to those who live
that I don’t have as much to give
a part of me was lost that night
When you were taken out of sight.

©2022 CBialczak Poetry

Happy 21st Heavenly Birthday, Joey!

Today my son should be here to celebrate his 21st birthday with his mom and sister. Joey was the smartest boy and had a bright future ahead of him. He is missed by so many people.

My heart breaks…every single day that you are gone.

November 10, 2020

How do you say goodbye?

Written to, and for, a very good friend. I love you.

How do you say goodbye?
Do you think about the after?
Do you talk about the past?

How do you say goodbye?
Do you think about what you still need to do?
Do you talk to people who you haven’t talked to in years?

How do you say goodbye?
Do you think of your loved ones?
Do you talk to those closest to you?

How do you say goodbye?
Do you try to do as much as possible?
Do you talk about the things you wish you’d done?

How do you say goodbye?
Do you think of the fun things?
Do you talk about all the things you’ve done?

How do you say goodbye?
Do you think of all you’ve been through?
Do you talk about your struggles?

How do you say goodbye?
Do you laugh at the memories?
Do you cry at the undone?

How do you say goodbye?
Do you promise to always be there?
Do you promise to always remember?

How do you say goodbye?
I really wish someone would tell me.

©2020 CBialczak Poetry

My son’s story: Joseph Teo (11/10/99-07/06/2019)

My Son’s story 

Joey was born on November 10th, 1999. He was a big baby and so sweet from the minute he entered the world. His full name was Joseph Teo. We were going to name him Cassius (Cachous – I cannot remember the spelling) after his father’s grandfather. I wanted something a bit more modern, so we decided on Joseph. His middle name, Teo, was short for Teofil, Bob’s other grandfather. When Joey was about four or five, he told us he wanted to change his middle name to Teofil,  not our shortened version. He was always a character.  

Joey was brilliant! I am not just saying that because he was my son, he really was. At nine months old I found him standing on the dining room table calling out to me to see how high he had climbed. Arms out, screaming “Ma, Ma”! I tried so carefully to not get over excited and startle him, I did not want him to fall. He was a November birthday so we decided we would wait to start him in Kindergarten until he was turning six, what my parents did with me. It was in Nursery School that we realized we had made a mistake. That winter we started him in Kindergarten, with the assumption he would repeat because he had missed so much. By second grade he was terribly bored and asked if he could be in a different grade. We tried but the school refused to allow it. He was in groups like “Future Problem Solvers” and excelled. 

We moved to a new house and although he was still the same kid things were not as good for him. He was bullied starting in elementary school. He was bullied because he loved to learn. He loved making things and learning things, not running around playing shooting games or farting like little boys do! One time in maybe third grade he was being teased because he was dunking his Oreo in milk during after-school care. Of course, he was taught that this was the proper way to eat an Oreo! The kid would not stop, and I guess after a few comments Joey whipped his soggy Oreo at the kid and watched it slide down his face and neck. Good for Joey!  

In all academics he excelled, with Language Arts being his biggest struggle, since it is so subjective. He was a math kid, black and white, formulas… Bullying continued in Middle school but because it was mostly teasing from “friends” it was never taken seriously. There are a lot of painful memories about this time of his life that currently I am not ready to discuss.  

Anyhow, he went on to high school and did not do well in a traditional classroom. He was anxious and had depression.  I tried to help him in any way possible. He tried to take his own life at least once, if not more. 

Joey went to three different high schools before finding the perfect fit. By that time, he had to repeat his Junior year since he had missed a lot of it and needed the credits.  Although he always maintained almost perfect A’s in all classes his school did not offer credit based on absences. He went to his new school, which was a magnet school situated on the campus of a community college.  Upon entering he tested out of all high school courses so had to start college classes. He was earning college credit along with his high school diploma. He excelled.  

He took his SATs and got 800 on the math. A perfect score! At his memorial service, the college professor who taught a math class called Differentials said that Joey taught her a few things! He applied to a few colleges for Mechanical Engineering and although his most desired was Georgia Tech, he was declined being a five-year high schooler! He applied on his own and got into Florida Institute of Technology. He was really on a new trajectory. He graduated with high honors in June of 2019. At this time his father had been dead only a year. 

After his father had died in June 2018 from a medical complication, Joey was the man of the house. When I met David, who I had no intention of falling in love with but did anyways, we had some tension. He was staying with a friend of his shortly after graduating high school. He was scheduled to leave in August. After his dad died, Joey saved up enough money to buy himself an $8000 motorcycle in cash.  He took all the classes, got his license, and insurance. Some people blame me, I believe, because I did not forbid him from having a motorcycle. He was 18 and there was really nothing I could do. So, I supported him and begged him to be safe.  

He was working as a line cook that July. He was on his way home from work on a Tuesday night. He hit a truck pulling out of a side road and died at the scene. There is obviously more to this chain of events but again too painful to talk about right now.  That was one year and five days ago.  

I lost my son. My daughter lost her brother. He had so many friends, he did not even know it! I am and never will be whole again. I thank God I have my daughter and David.  

Wordle #198

Wordle 198

Rhathymia- carefree behavior; light-heartedness.

Written for mindlovemiserysmenagerie:

me, now

When I think about the future 

I often want to wipe out some memories 

Of days that were black 

Where my mind felt twisted 

Because I am here now 

My rhathymia has disappeared 

I feel like each day I am in a slump 

Modelsque for the grieving 

Unable to illustrate the depth of pain 

My body swaying with the waves 

Which have now defined my days

My lust is not sexual

My need for peace is my desire

©2020 CBialczak Poetry

Shrouded by sadness

Even though the sun still shines and I have love all around me
There is a cloud that will not go away with the wind
will not disappear after the rain
And always blocks part of the sun
But he is with his father and will always be in my heart.

Walking through my days
Living for my present life
Sadness that won’t end

©2020 CBialczak Poetry


Today is July 1st which will eventually lead to July 16th and one year that my son died.

On my trip down to Florida I stopped at a gas station. At the pumps next to me were two guys on motorcycles. One was on a Harley, one a street bike, like my son’s. I don’t know what made me think of doing it but before I got back in my car I said, “Hey, Be careful. Drivers don’t watch out for motorcycles.” That was it. I just felt like I had to say that at that moment.

On my trip back from Florida a guy on a street bike was riding in front of me. He changed lanes and then ended up behind me. He was there for quite a few minutes. He then switched lanes again and passed me. I saw him ride off into the distance through my tears.

I am so grateful for the people who love me and those who help move that cloud a little to the side each day.

Two years

Two years have now passed
I still don’t know why
The love that I knew
went and said his goodbye.

I know that I’m strong
and the love that was there
will always exist
except now with a tear.

Now, I move on along
just one day at a time
knowing love doesn’t die
it is simply sublime.

My future still holds
the love that he gave me
I will remind my sad self
From his pain, he is now free.

©2020 CBialczak Poetry