Happy 21st Heavenly Birthday, Joey!

Today my son should be here to celebrate his 21st birthday with his mom and sister. Joey was the smartest boy and had a bright future ahead of him. He is missed by so many people.

My heart breaks…every single day that you are gone.

November 10, 2020

How do you say goodbye?

Written to, and for, a very good friend. I love you.

How do you say goodbye?
Do you think about the after?
Do you talk about the past?

How do you say goodbye?
Do you think about what you still need to do?
Do you talk to people who you haven’t talked to in years?

How do you say goodbye?
Do you think of your loved ones?
Do you talk to those closest to you?

How do you say goodbye?
Do you try to do as much as possible?
Do you talk about the things you wish you’d done?

How do you say goodbye?
Do you think of the fun things?
Do you talk about all the things you’ve done?

How do you say goodbye?
Do you think of all you’ve been through?
Do you talk about your struggles?

How do you say goodbye?
Do you laugh at the memories?
Do you cry at the undone?

How do you say goodbye?
Do you promise to always be there?
Do you promise to always remember?

How do you say goodbye?
I really wish someone would tell me.

©2020 CBialczak Poetry

My son’s story: Joseph Teo (11/10/99-07/06/2019)

My Son’s story 

Joey was born on November 10th, 1999. He was a big baby and so sweet from the minute he entered the world. His full name was Joseph Teo. We were going to name him Cassius (Cachous – I cannot remember the spelling) after his father’s grandfather. I wanted something a bit more modern, so we decided on Joseph. His middle name, Teo, was short for Teofil, Bob’s other grandfather. When Joey was about four or five, he told us he wanted to change his middle name to Teofil,  not our shortened version. He was always a character.  

Joey was brilliant! I am not just saying that because he was my son, he really was. At nine months old I found him standing on the dining room table calling out to me to see how high he had climbed. Arms out, screaming “Ma, Ma”! I tried so carefully to not get over excited and startle him, I did not want him to fall. He was a November birthday so we decided we would wait to start him in Kindergarten until he was turning six, what my parents did with me. It was in Nursery School that we realized we had made a mistake. That winter we started him in Kindergarten, with the assumption he would repeat because he had missed so much. By second grade he was terribly bored and asked if he could be in a different grade. We tried but the school refused to allow it. He was in groups like “Future Problem Solvers” and excelled. 

We moved to a new house and although he was still the same kid things were not as good for him. He was bullied starting in elementary school. He was bullied because he loved to learn. He loved making things and learning things, not running around playing shooting games or farting like little boys do! One time in maybe third grade he was being teased because he was dunking his Oreo in milk during after-school care. Of course, he was taught that this was the proper way to eat an Oreo! The kid would not stop, and I guess after a few comments Joey whipped his soggy Oreo at the kid and watched it slide down his face and neck. Good for Joey!  

In all academics he excelled, with Language Arts being his biggest struggle, since it is so subjective. He was a math kid, black and white, formulas… Bullying continued in Middle school but because it was mostly teasing from “friends” it was never taken seriously. There are a lot of painful memories about this time of his life that currently I am not ready to discuss.  

Anyhow, he went on to high school and did not do well in a traditional classroom. He was anxious and had depression.  I tried to help him in any way possible. He tried to take his own life at least once, if not more. 

Joey went to three different high schools before finding the perfect fit. By that time, he had to repeat his Junior year since he had missed a lot of it and needed the credits.  Although he always maintained almost perfect A’s in all classes his school did not offer credit based on absences. He went to his new school, which was a magnet school situated on the campus of a community college.  Upon entering he tested out of all high school courses so had to start college classes. He was earning college credit along with his high school diploma. He excelled.  

He took his SATs and got 800 on the math. A perfect score! At his memorial service, the college professor who taught a math class called Differentials said that Joey taught her a few things! He applied to a few colleges for Mechanical Engineering and although his most desired was Georgia Tech, he was declined being a five-year high schooler! He applied on his own and got into Florida Institute of Technology. He was really on a new trajectory. He graduated with high honors in June of 2019. At this time his father had been dead only a year. 

After his father had died in June 2018 from a medical complication, Joey was the man of the house. When I met David, who I had no intention of falling in love with but did anyways, we had some tension. He was staying with a friend of his shortly after graduating high school. He was scheduled to leave in August. After his dad died, Joey saved up enough money to buy himself an $8000 motorcycle in cash.  He took all the classes, got his license, and insurance. Some people blame me, I believe, because I did not forbid him from having a motorcycle. He was 18 and there was really nothing I could do. So, I supported him and begged him to be safe.  

He was working as a line cook that July. He was on his way home from work on a Tuesday night. He hit a truck pulling out of a side road and died at the scene. There is obviously more to this chain of events but again too painful to talk about right now.  That was one year and five days ago.  

I lost my son. My daughter lost her brother. He had so many friends, he did not even know it! I am and never will be whole again. I thank God I have my daughter and David.  

Wordle #198

Wordle 198

Rhathymia- carefree behavior; light-heartedness.

Written for mindlovemiserysmenagerie: https://mindlovemiserysmenagerie.wordpress.com/2020/07/13/wordle-198/

me, now

When I think about the future 

I often want to wipe out some memories 

Of days that were black 

Where my mind felt twisted 

Because I am here now 

My rhathymia has disappeared 

I feel like each day I am in a slump 

Modelsque for the grieving 

Unable to illustrate the depth of pain 

My body swaying with the waves 

Which have now defined my days

My lust is not sexual

My need for peace is my desire

©2020 CBialczak Poetry

Shrouded by sadness

Even though the sun still shines and I have love all around me
There is a cloud that will not go away with the wind
will not disappear after the rain
And always blocks part of the sun
But he is with his father and will always be in my heart.

Walking through my days
Living for my present life
Sadness that won’t end

©2020 CBialczak Poetry


Today is July 1st which will eventually lead to July 16th and one year that my son died.

On my trip down to Florida I stopped at a gas station. At the pumps next to me were two guys on motorcycles. One was on a Harley, one a street bike, like my son’s. I don’t know what made me think of doing it but before I got back in my car I said, “Hey, Be careful. Drivers don’t watch out for motorcycles.” That was it. I just felt like I had to say that at that moment.

On my trip back from Florida a guy on a street bike was riding in front of me. He changed lanes and then ended up behind me. He was there for quite a few minutes. He then switched lanes again and passed me. I saw him ride off into the distance through my tears.

I am so grateful for the people who love me and those who help move that cloud a little to the side each day.

Two years

Two years have now passed
I still don’t know why
The love that I knew
went and said his goodbye.

I know that I’m strong
and the love that was there
will always exist
except now with a tear.

Now, I move on along
just one day at a time
knowing love doesn’t die
it is simply sublime.

My future still holds
the love that he gave me
I will remind my sad self
From his pain, he is now free.

©2020 CBialczak Poetry

On a day like today

On a day like today when I’m missing my son 
it’s hard to remember how to have fun. 

The sky starts to darken with not even  one cloud 
the silence is deafening even though it’s not loud. 

My  heart hurts today just as much  as it did 
When I had to learn that I just lost my kid.  

©2020 CBialczak Poetry

Legacy: Fowc with Fandango

For: https://fivedotoh.com/2020/05/14/fowc-with-fandango-legacy/

After my son passed away I was devastated. I had just (13 months prior) lost my husband now my son! The mourning process has been so much different than it was for Bob. It seems to be much more painful and I sometimes don’t know how I will ever feel better. July will be one year since he passed.

One of the things I learned as I watched a great webinar on grieving https://youtu.be/d5lYBsuqkxI was that instead of being so sad about his death, to think about the legacy I want to leave for him. It seems like this would be obvious or what you would do anyhow but when you think about it, what do you want people to remember about the loved one that died.

For Joey, he was so smart. He got a perfect score of 800 on Math SATs. Still in high school he took a college level Differentials math class and the professor said she learned things from him! No one could ever believe how smart he was. He was funny too. He had his issues and went through some extremely tough times as an adolescent but he had just graduated high school and I saw a whole new world opening up for him.

After Bob, my husband/his dad, died, Joey insisted on buying a motorcycle. He and Bob had talked about it often as Bob used to ride. I was scared to death and at the time didn’t know what I would do financially, so I told him if he was going to buy it he would have to save and do all the work on his own. Well, he saved $8000 in cash, got his motorcycle license, took the appropriate class and bought the motorcycle. He loved that bike.

He died on that bike.

My heart will never be the same.

The legacy I want to leave is how brilliant he was and how the world is now going to miss out of someone that would’ve changed our world. Someday, once all this corona stuff is over I want to try and start a scholarship at his magnet high school, under his name. That will be very fulfilling.

THe Sunday whirl: Wordle #452

fire, tiny, dream, mourn, torn, lift, shy, shock, lock, truth, light, stories. https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/24010414/posts/2345

A true story of grief: the sunday Wordle

Disclaimer: This is a true story. It is written with all my heart. It isn’t a happy tale, but it is my life.  

You hear stories about it, about the horror of having State Troopers come to your door at night. “Are you Mrs. Bialczak?” “Yes” “Is Joseph Bialczak your son?” “Oh God! NO!” “There was an accident….” 

The shock that comes immediately following is strange. I didn’t cry right away. I ran upstairs to tell Lindsay that her brother died. I yelled to David. It was like a bad dream coming true. You feel as though your heart is being torn out of your body.  

Only thirteen months before it wasn’t the State Police, it was the surgeon. “Mrs. Bialczak?” “Yes, is Bob out of surgery?” “I’m sorry to tell you this…”  

Why do I write about this truth when I should be writing a fictional tale? Why not write a light-hearted story of love? I think some of it is to release the feelings of sorrow that I lock up on a daily basis, just to survive. I am not too shy to tell the truth. I suppose my ability to mourn may help lift someone else up from a dark place, realizing they are not alone. It is a tiny piece of a huge picture that I sometimes need to share.  

As I sit and write this, there is a fire that burns deep inside of me, a fire so hot I don’t think anyone or anything could ever put out. Too often though, it is too hard to talk about. But, the more I keep it in, the bigger it grows.  

When something tragic happens and the world moves on around you, it hurts. The one thing I have learned though is that people are willing to listen, most often times they are just unsure or afraid of how to bring it up. I have learned that it is okay to bring this up when I need to because it is my truth and the life I live. I don’t need to spread sorrow, so as to feel so not alone, rather I need to spread the truth so others can begin to heal which in turn is helping me to heal. 

Thank you to all of my WP community for being so supportive.