The Shopping Trip: Revision 2 (Week 3)

Written for Measure twice, cut once in Go Dog Go cafe: https://godoggocafe.com/2020/03/14/writers-workshop-i-week-2-batting-practice/ WRITER’S WORKSHOP I, Week 2, Batting Practice

Beverly stood in Lane 6 behind four other customers, which was more than most other lanes in the market. All the lanes were open with three patrons except for Lane 1. In Lane 1 there were only two people waiting. She continued to contemplate. “To move or not to move, that is the question,” she said to herself, holding only pasta, jar sauce, a loaf of bread and a 2-liter bottle of Diet Coke.  

Beverly recalled hearing that once you pick a lane, stay there, that is your correct place. She had switched before and that time she had moved behind a woman who was convinced the ground beef was on sale, which it wasn’t, but they had to call the butcher to come confirm the choice she had made was NOT one of the sale items. That had taken all of 12 minutes while the lane she had originally been on cashed out over a dozen “under 8 items” customers.   

She shifted her gaze toward Lane 1 then back ahead of her.  The man at the register in her lane was taking his wallet out. There were still three people ahead of her. Ugh, she didn’t know what to do. Her mind was saying to wait, but her patience was saying to walk to Lane 1. Contemplation decided, she stepped out of line, allowing the woman behind her to step forward. She was now out of line. She turned and walked briskly toward Lane 1.   

When Beverly turned past the endcap into Lane 1 there was now only one man there, waiting to pay. He had a pile of coupons and his groceries were bagged. The cashier was trying to put the coupons through but there was a small pile the computer was rejecting. The coupons were probably worth 25 cents or less, but the man wanted his savings, as he knew he had all the right products, and none were expired. Beverly groaned. She had done it again; not trusted her intuition to stay in Lane 6. Now she stood in Lane 1, behind this coupon junkie, watching his coins pile up in the form of useless coupons next to the scanner. This was what she got for switching lanes. Next time she would just stay put with an extra ounce of patience. 

©2020 CBialczak

8 Comments

  1. I struggle with this assignment, both as a writer and a reader.

    I miss this line now:

    All the lanes were open with two or more patrons, but her line had four.

    That really made me feel the conflict. It creates an instant: ‘oh bugger, I know how that feels’ type of tension.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I love the reorganization in the opening paragraph. You moved the list, which provides great detail, to the end of the paragraph and allowed Beverly’s position in line to have prominence. I am glad Angela prompted you to keep the information that she is in a long line. That is where the tension occurs. We can all relate to it.

    I also think you create some sense of mystery with the opening. WHY is she standing in that long line?

    Great job!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Great question! Next week, we will be back with a fresh story prompt and new editing challenges. I want to be sensitive to the idea that we all have followers who probably don’t want to read the same story dozens of times on our blogs, so the idea is to stick with one story each month. I am working on next week’s prompt and drawing a lot of inspiration from all the responses.

        That said, the comment section of Workshop I will still be open, so people can share any edits or thoughts regarding this first group of stories.

        I hope you join us next week! ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

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