Throwback Thursday #56 – Is it Better to Have Loved and Lost?

Maggie is hosting Throwback Thursday:

This week’s prompt is: First Heartbreak

How old were you when you had your first heartbreak? (For some it might be well into adulthood and that’s fine, too!) I think I was about 21 when it all finally ended. It started I suppose when I was 19.

Who broke your heart – first names only? James

Do you remember how the breakup happened? Someone told me that he was cheating on me. I accused him, and he denied it. After that everytime, he spoke of other girls I didn’t trust him so I broke up with him. That was when I was 19. When I was about 22 we got back together and I was so happy. After a few weeks we were supposed to meet for dinner and he cancelled and said he never wanted to see me again. I begged him to meet me face to face to tell me why and he said – because I broke his heart once he was going to break my heart.

Did you have a ring or token of your love? Did you return it? no, nothing

Did you think this was true love? yes

Did you play any sad songs to soothe the pain? If so, do you remember the name of the song? I can’t remember playing any songs but it took a long time to get over the pain he caused. It was just so mean.

If you were an adolescent, were your parents sympathetic or were they of the “it’s only puppy love” school of thought? My father had no idea and my mother was so sick with cancer. My friends told me I was lucky to be done with him.

How long did it take you to get over it all? Honestly? About 25 years

Do you remember this person fondly or is it someone you prefer to forget? I don’t know if I want to know him or not. What he did was really cruel, I feel. For many years I just wanted to ask him if he cared about me anymore. It really doesn’t matter though.

After all was said and done, was it for the best or did you remain longing for a love lost? Who knows? I think if we were together it would have been good but then again if he is that vengeful, who knows.

Throwback Thursday #52 – Transitions and Modifications

Maggie is our host:

  1. Think about your first haircut. Were you the kid that cut your own hair? Did you go to a salon or did your parents cut your hair? Did your parents save a lock of your hair? I have no recollection of getting haircuts until the one time in middle school I was at a sleep-over party and one friend cut one side of my hair and another cut the other side. I have always had the attitude that “it will grow back”.
  2. How about shaving? Fathers often teach their sons to shave. Most girls I know, decided for themselves when to shave their legs and their underarms. Some cultures do not shave at all. I used to fake shave my face with my dad when I was really young. I remember lathering up the soft cream then “shaving” it off with the end of my toothbrush. I remember asking my mom if I could shave my legs and she protested but eventually I did it anyway. Now I’m a bit lazy.
  3. Did you alter your clothes? Cut jeans into cut-offs? Cut the sleeves off t-shirts? Wear graphic tees? Tie-dyes? Sew patches on your jeans? I don’t recall altering my clothes but I did have a lot of hand-me-downs. I also remember having patches sewn onto holes in my jeans but on the inside, not the outside. I don’t think I have ever really done anything except cut jeans into shorts.
  4. Was there a time you remember challenging the authority in your household. Do you remember the first time you found your voice? I don’t think I challenged authority until after my mother passed away. My little brother was 10 and I was 23. I still lived at home and it was awful. I was in charge of everything and I had three part-time jobs (teaching nursery school, cleaning houses, and waitressing). One day my father got pissed because I hadn’t made his bed or changed the sheets or something like that. I moved out. I moved in with Bob who became my first husband. I was so sick of it at my house and my older sister was never around. I had to do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, errands…I remember having a day that I had to go to “The Cleaners” to pick up my dad’s suits.
  5. What about piercings? Girls getting their ears pierced was a rite of passage for girls. Then boys started getting one ear pierced. As time passed, piercings became more mainstream and accepted. I first got my ears pierced when I was maybe 12. I got a second piercing in one ear when I was in my teens, I was drunk and my sister’s friend, also drunk, did it with a needle. It took quite a few years but I evened both sides out and the got an extra piercing. Now I have four in each ear but only use the first, third and fourth because the second on my right side is so close to the edge I get nervous it will rip out. When I was in my early thirties I got my belly button pierced. My daughter has tons of piercings. I had always said I could handle anything but the eyebrow and the tongue. Well, she became her own piercer and did her nose and ears and her friends’ noses and ears. I found out a while later that she did have her tongue pierced which makes me want to throw up.
  6. Did you walk on the wild side? Smoking? Drinking? Did your parents know? In high school we all smoked and we all drank. My mom kind-of knew and didn’t allow it but didn’t check for it everytime I got home. There were nights that I would get home and say goodnight and she would tell me NOT to say goodnight to my dad because I smelled either like cigarettes or booze. One night, in the middle of winter, my boyfriend picked me up and we went to a bonfire out in the woods. I remember having a bottle of Vodka (1.75L). Well, I ended up drinking it all by myself and luckily didn’t die. My boyfriend proceeded to drop me off in my driveway in the snow. I remember crawling to the back door. I guess I fumbled with the key for so long it woke my mother and she came and whipped the door open. She was mad! She was more mad that the boyfriend let me drink as much as I had. At the time she said I was beyond making any such decisions for myself. She told me she didn’t want to see my boyfriend for a long time. Well that lasted about a few hours because the boyfriend did come over that afternoon.
  7. What about tattoos? Did you get a tattoo while still living at home? Did your parents approve? I got my first tattoo when my late husband turned 40. I brought him to a tattoo place as a surprise birthday gift. He had a small tattoo on his arm and had talked about getting another some day. I didn’t realize how badly it hurt and how it was sort of an awful gift. Anyhow, I wanted a clownfish because it reminded me of my mother. I got Nemo instead because he was such a big deal back then. I didn’t show my father. My neighbor thought it was fake and tried to pick it off with a fingernail! Holy shit! That was painful. I didn’t think about it for many years. Finally I started again and it was addictive. I have quite a few now. My father never liked them. I tried to find meaning in all of mine. I am due for a new one and have contacted my last artist. Maybe next week?!?!
  8. What about language? Was swearing allowed in your family?  Did you use the same language around your friends as you did at home with your family? No one really swore in my house. I know my sister did a few times and my mother would say she was going to wash her mouth out with soap.
  9. Think back to high school. Girls, did you iron your hair? Did you color your hair? (using Sun-in counts!) Guys, did you grow a beard or moustache? Did you grow your hair long? Feel free to share a photo of yourself back in the day. I curled my hair. Sort of like the Farrah Faucet look. I dyed it a few times by spraying peroxide all over it. I eventually went back to my original color which was a mousy dark blonde. I color it now with Ion Hair Color and a deep moisturizer.
  10. Many people think our authentic self is the person we were as young children. Are you still inherently the same person you were as a child or have you changed your personality and demeanor along the way? I think I am about the same person.

Throwback Thursday #50 – Are Rules Made to be Broken?

Maggie is the host of Throwback Thursday:

You can either free write using these questions as inspiration or answer the question as they are.

  1. Who in your family was the person who made and enforced rules? My mom. I saw my dad get mad at my sister a few times but I don’t really ever remember getting in trouble with him.
  2. Did you grow up with many rules, or was your life a little more flexible? I want to say that we had a lot of rules but they were reasonable. Don’t go places by yourself, no boys in the house if adults are not home, be home on time, if you aren’t where you are supposed to be just call. I feel like things were tight but I guess I always felt pretty safe.
  3. Were you a rule follower or a rule breaker? Definitely a rule follower, and still one. I remember getting in trouble at school only a handful of times and they were all for not doing what I was supposed to, but nothing out of the ordinary. I gave a girl a “flat tire” in 3rd or 4th grade, I cheated on a chemistry test, I wrote the Lord’s prayer all wrong in 4th grade on my cutting board project, …The biggest rule I broke was when I first got my driver’s license. The rule was: no one else in the car until I was told it was okay, don’t go on the highway by yourself, don’t drink and drive, and don’t speed. Well, on the first day with my license I went and picked up my two best friends, hopped on the highway and drove to buy beer in the city. I didn’t drink it though! I was so scared because my father was my insurance agent and I was told that if I ever got a ticket they would take my license from me until I was an adult.
  4. How were discipline and – in contrast – rewards managed in your household? Discipline was mostly just getting yelled at. I remember being little and being spanked. I didn’t get in trouble much so I don’t really remember being “grounded”. I think having a good life was the reward. My mom would come home with something little as a surprise or my dad would bring home a candy bar…
  5. Were you given the opportunity to plead your case in matters of disagreement? For the most part, my mother was always right….and honestly, she was mostly right!
  6. What tools did your parents use –  ‘I’m going to count to three‘ or ‘don’t make me get up‘ or a time-out chair? I remember things like: “Say that again and I’ll wash your mouth out with soap”, “if I have to turn around..”, or THE LOOK!!!
  7. Did fear of discipline curb your desire to break or bend the rules? Thinking back, I think I knew that the rules were pretty set so you either followed them or broke them.
  8. Did your upbringing influence the way you (as an adult) managed rules in your own home? Definitely! I didn’t yell, I whispered (mostly). I spanked each of my kids once and thought it was the dumbest punishment. How does whacking your kid on the ass teach them anything? My mother was big on honesty and that was my biggest thing. It was always, “tell the truth and you will get a fair punishment, but if I find out you lied….”
  9. Were you ever ‘grounded’? Do you want to share the story? Like I mentioned I don’t remember getting grounded. Apparently, if I did it wasn’t for anything exciting.
  10. Did you break rules your parents never knew about? Want to confess and leave with a clear conscious? No? I broke the rules about drinking alcohol. I broke the rules about smoking pot, but that was about it.

Throwback Thursday #48 – That Was Then And This Is Now

Lauren is the host to Throwback Thursday. Check it out here

1) When you were a kid, did you like your name? Would you have changed it if you could? Do you like it now? I don’t remember liking or not liking my name. When my daughter was little she wanted to be called something else, but I wasn’t like that when I was little. Now, I guess it is fine. It sounds a little weird to me for some reason. If I call someone else that has the same name, it doesn’t sound weird.

2) As a kid, what always brought a smile to your face? What about now, as an adult? (family-friendly please) I remember loving my toys, my stuffed rabbit, my other animals. One thing I remember was a conversation that I had with my sister when I was little. This could be totally fabricated but to me it is 100% true. When we used to go to parades and things my parents almost always let us buy one thing. I always picked balloons. My sister always picked stuffed toys or other things. She told me that it was my fault that I bought stupid balloons that died the next day, that I should pick things like her that lasted. As an adult creating things makes me smile. I love to see finished projects and realize that I did well. My pets bring a smile to my face because they are so sweet.

3) What was the most important lesson your parents taught you? Did you pass that lesson down to your family? I remember my mother always telling me that I was the only one who could make me happy, not to rely on anyone else. If I wasn’t happy it wasn’t anyones job to get me to be happy, it was my job. I also learned to care for other people. I think I did pass this on to both my children. I always loved that both of my kids were good, kind kids. My daughter is still so kind and cares for other people, sometimes more than she cares for herself!

4) Are there talents you started as a child that you still have? If so, what are they? Probably drawing. I always loved to draw. I loved dance, ballet mostly, but didn’t continue past my teen years (which I do regret).

5) Is there something you regret not doing or starting when you were young? What was it? I regret not continuing my dancing. I also regret not learning more about future opportunities. I feel like I grew up in some sort of bubble when it comes to that.

6) Did you have more close friends as a kid or as an adult? Any idea why? I have always had a handful of good friends at all points in my life. Some of them are still in that handful, even though I don’t keep in constant contact with them. I am sad when I think about people who were really close to me and no longer are, for whatever reason. I insecurely wonder if there was a way to have maintained those failed relationships. I was a kind person and when I was little, I was the one the teachers assigned to be friends with the new kids. I was very quiet but smart and attentive.

7) Where did you go to think as a kid? Where do you go now? I think just my bedroom. As a teen I liked to drive. Now, I like to create things or go out for a drive. One of my personal “anthems” is the song My Church by Marin Morris

8) What would be the name of the chapter of your life from 10 – 18? What would the name be the name of the chapter of your life currently? Simple Happiness would be the 10-18 chapter. Currently, it would be Realizing Happiness Despite Heartache.

9) What wonderful thing happened in your adult life that your child self could never have imagined? Despite losing my first husband, I think it would be finding love and feeling loved two times in my life.

10) Would your child self like your adult self? Why or why not? Yes, definitely. I understand people’s insecurities and have empathy and compassion for people. I was a shy child and I think I would have really liked me.

Throwback Thursday #39 – Reading Culture and Books

Join in here

  1. Who were the readers in your family? My mom used to read quite a bit if I remember correctly but then again she was so involved in crafts and her other projects. My dad read the newspaper every day. I loved to read too. I don’t think my sister liked to read at all.
  2. Were there some people who did not like to read or could not read? Like I said, I don’t think my sister ever picked up a book unless she absolutely had to.
  3. Did your family subscribe to the newspaper? Yes, 7 days a week. I remember that from when I was little. Last year when I was taking care of my dad he stopped showing interest. I think it was all too confusing to him since none of it had any relevance for him. With the Alzheimer’s and Dementia stuff like the news and politics mean nothing to him.
  4. If you did get the paper, was your Sunday newspaper considered special? What part did you enjoy? The Sunday newspaper was a pretty big deal. First, it had all the coupons. Second, it had the comics. I don’t think anyone ever did the crossword but we always had certain places we liked to check out.
  5. Did your home have books strewn around? Hardbacks or paperbacks? No books strewn about. There were always a few in the bathroom, my dad supposedly sat there and read. We mostly went to the library for books so they would be returned. When it wasn’t the public library then it was the library at school. I recall buying a few books at tag sales and stuff like that but not really at the book store. Those were mostly books that were for gifting!
  6. Did you frequent the library at school? Whenever it was library day! I remember in elementary school the library was down this big hallway that was almost like a ramp. I can still picture it. When I was a teacher the first school I taught at didn’t have any books. We were a small clinical day school and we used to bring the kids to the public library on the bus once a week, if their behavior allowed them to be out of the building. A few times I completed a Donors Choose campaign to get a library in our school and I did receive a few thousand dollars in books! That was great but unless the student at that school loved to read, it wasn’t happening. A lot of the kids that came to us didn’t even know how to read or read at such a low level. Psychiatric issues and behavior impeded their abilities. When I finally taught in a public middle school I was shocked to see that they didn’t have a library! Seriously! That is the only school that took out their library. To me that is just horrible.
  7. How about the local community library? Did you have a library card? Always! I even remember on half days at school we would walk to the library with friends and have our parents pick us up there.
  8. What was the first book you remember reading? Maybe One Fish, Two Fish by Dr. Seuss. I also remember the Secret Garden. I read a lot of Shel Silverstein.
  9. Did you have a collection of books (Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, Happy Hollisters, etc?) Yes, I loved Sweet Valley High and Flowers in the Attic. I also read all the Judy Blume books and Beverly Cleary.
  10. Did you read comic books? If so, what titles? no, not really. I never had an interest in them. Even graphic novels. They don’t appeal to me.
  11. Did you end up a bookworm, a casual reader, or someone who read only when required? I think I am a mix between a bookworm and a casual reader. I wish I had more time to just sit and read but I keep myself so busy. I do listen all the time to audiobooks. Funny, I was just telling someone that one of the books I read a little while back was so engrossing that I felt like the characters were really people I knew.
  12. Is there a book from your childhood you would like to read again? If so, what book? I might like to read the Secret Garden since it has been so long. I don’t really like to reread books because the ending is what I look forward to. One book I have read over and over is the Alchemist. For some reason that book just resonated with me. I still have a copy handy. I have read it to all of my students.
  13. What book or books have been extremely meaningful or influential in your life? Like I just mentioned, The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.
  14. BONUS QUESTION: What book(s) do you frequently gift to others? Why? Dr. Seuss or Eric Carle mostly. I don’t really gift books to people because physical books are not as popular anymore, so many people just read digitally.

Throwback Thursday #36 – Gone But Not Forgotten

Lauren is the host:

This week’s prompt is: Things I Don’t Miss

Wow, this is a tricky one! One thing for sure is worrying about my kids so much. I know, we always worry but first, now I only have my daughter to worry about, and second, she is a good person and I just always hope and pray she makes good decisions. It’s a different kind of worry though when they are older.

I don’t miss having a curfew! I remember me and my best friend had it timed to the minute so that we got home in time. I remember the one time we told my mom we were running out for a little while. Well, a little while ended up being until about 3 am! My mom was waiting for us, afraid something had happened to us and mad. My best friend ran past her and up the stairs, launching herself toward the toilet to throw up. The next morning my mom was in the kitchen making breakfast and Kristen went to my mother, knelt in front of her with her hands clasped. “Wanda, please forgive me! I’m so sorry about last night!” Well, who couldn’t forgive that! Hahaha!

I don’t miss my clothes and my hair and my skin smelling like cigarettes when smoking was still allowed in bars. I smoked and I still hated that stale smell that you’d wake up to if you were too “tired” to take a shower before bed. Yuck!

Okay, now that I opened that flood gate, I could go on and on…..I will spare all the readers! Thanks for the memories!

Throwback Thursday #29 – Sports and Extracurricular Activities

Throwback Thursday – School Sports & Activities 

This week Maggie asks us some questions about our school days concerning things we did as sports and extra curricular activities. Thanks, Maggie! 🙂


  1. Did you belong to any clubs? When I was little I was a Brownie and then a Girl Scout. I played field hockey for a couple years in college. I remember I did make-up for the drama production of Man of La Mancha in high school. That is all I really remember. It is one thing I wish I had done more of.
  2. Did you stay after school for activities? If so, how did you get home? I remember staying for different things. When I was too young to get a ride from a friend my mom usually came to get me. Once in a while I remember getting rides home from other parents but mostly I remember my mom picking me up.
  3. We’re you involved in sports? If so, which ones? Were you good at them, mediocre, or at least trying? I was awful at sports. I played field hockey for two or three years. I stopped when I was the only senior that didn’t make varsity, when there were freshman who did. I ran track a couple of seasons. I was not good at that either. I’m not fast. I was typically able to do distance but never did the cross-country track because they did such long runs, it made me too scared to try. I loved dancing. I took Jazz and Ballet. I don’t know why I ever stopped. That is a big regret I have.
  4. What was your favorite school related sports or physical activity? I always wanted to try cheerleading but wasn’t very good at cartwheels…obviously that is what I thought would be the decider. In high school I started taking aerobics at this one new place. That I loved and used to go almost every day. I think I stopped going because the classes started getting really popular and busy and it wasn’t as fun being packed in.
  5. Did you hold any leadership roles in school? I don’t think I ever did. Looking back I don’t think I had the confidence to do that.
  6. Did you play football, basketball, or some other sport or were you a cheerleader? I tried them all, well many of them. I tried basketball, track (long jump, high jump, 500m), soccer, and field hockey. I wasn’t good at any. I was too timid and slow.
  7. Did you travel after school, on weekends, or in the summer for any activities?  Where did you go? I didn’t do that much during the school year but for about four or five years I went to summer camp up in Maine. I remember loving it and making some really good friends. I remember learning to swim, learning to sail, canoeing, hiking, tons of things…I remember sleeping in the cabins, trying to decide if the upper or lower bunk would be best.
  8. Did you receive letters, awards, or certificates for your involvement? Any of the awards or anything I got were related to academics.
  9. Did you belong to any organizations that were not associated or sponsored by your school? Dance, jazz and ballet.
  10. Were you on any school committees such as yearbook, prom committee, etc.? I don’t really remember. I remember doing some stuff and I can sort of remember being part of some club but I honestly can’t recall!

Throwback Thursday #28 Ouchies, Owies, & Boo Boo’s

Lauren is the host of Throwback Thursday

How did your family take care of minor injuries?
Did you have home remedies you used?
What was the typical way to care for a cold or flu at your house?
Were you pampered when you were sick/hurt or told to buck up and deal with it?
When you got sick as a kid did you stay home, or did you have to go to school?
Did a parent stay home with you, or did you fend for yourself?
Was a doctor visited when you had a minor injury or illness?
Did you ever have a major illness or injury growing up? How did it impact your life?

I don’t remember getting sick much as a kid once I was in school. I do remember when I was maybe in nursery school, that I got sick a few times, so my mom packed me and some blankets up and I was allowed to sleep in the side office at my dad’s insurance office where they both worked. I think I remember there being a black and white tv to watch. I usually only threw up, or that is all I really remember.

I also remember having my temperature checked…and not in my butt! I remember because I can still see my mother shaking the mercury to the end of the thermometer before telling me to put it under my tongue until she said so. I never knew why she shook it so hard, that is until I was an adult and someone told me. All I knew was you shook it and the gray part went below 98.

Once when I was around 12 or 13 and at summer camp I broke my finger playing basketball. They left me there to finish out the week. I remember how painful it was and lying in bed but not much else. Then when I got home the doctor had to re-break it and set it correctly since it was healing crooked. That I do remember.

I think I remember my mother being sympathetic to really being sick. I don’t think I ever tried to fake it, she wasn’t that kind of mom. You just didn’t try to pull shit over on her, something I think I knew since birth. When I did have something wrong I remember telling her and her bringing me to the doctors.

Growing up I remember having “growing pains” in my legs mostly. It would get so bad sometimes. Now, as an adult and being diagnosed with Psoriatic arthritis I wonder if that could have been it. Sometimes it gives me a sort of deja vu when I feel my pain.

Throwback Thursday #26 – Career Dreams

Maggie is the host of Throwback Thursday

This week we are here to talk about those childhood dreams that may or may not have come to fruition.

I don’t really recall what I “wanted to be” when I was little. I think I always thought I would be a teacher. When I was in college I guess I missed the information that was out there because I didn’t think about what I wanted to do…I know that sounds strange…Let me explain, as I figured this out only recently now later in life.

When I was in high school and going into college my mother had cancer. I was the caretaker of my little brother when she couldn’t do it. We talked about going to college but never about careers. When I was in college I just figured I liked “psychiatric stuff” so I majored in Psychology. I can’t remember or understand why it never came up with anyone but I had no idea what I wanted to do and I don’t mean because I was confused. I mean because I never recall ever thinking about it.
Anyhow, towards the end of my undergraduate degree I remember thinking I would love to be a psychiatrist. My father had said he would help me financially but at the time I was in the mind set that 1. I didn’t want to be in college forever and 2. I didn’t want to have to dissect a human body, something I thought was definitely a requirement. I wish I had done it. My dream job for so long would have been working with the really insane.
Years later as I had kids and all that I went into teaching. I worked for a psychiatric hospital teaching at their clinical day program. That was purely by chance because when I applied for the job I had no idea what kind of school it was.
I might sound like my head was always in the clouds but I don’t remember feeling like that.
At one point I told my husband that I wanted to try and join the FBI. I wanted to be like Clarice in Silence of the Lambs and work with the insane. He told me we would have to move every 7 years and he wasn’t really willing to do something like that so I never looked into it.

I guess I have regrets. I have three advanced degrees so I am super educated but there are so many other things I would have loved to have known about. Forensics, research, clinical trials, taxes, being an attorney….

Now, I don’t work outside of my home anymore. I “retired” early from teaching, even though I loved it, after I lost my son. I couldn’t think about being around other peoples’ kids when one of mine was gone. I miss it still. Now I take care of my father who has Alzheimers. He is like a toddler. I guess my whole life did revolve around the psychiatric-type stuff but there are so many other things that could have been done.