“How old is he?” he asks My breath stops for a moment thoughts swirl heart beats harder tears begin to flow “He isn’t here anymore” I say My throat feels like it is closing Tears come Dread, will there be another question? Sadness that he is gone too Sadness that so many people in my life are gone.
Today I went to see my dad in the Memory Care Unit he lives at. I was showing him pictures of my miniatures and then handed him my phone to show him my latest completed miniature. He began touching pictures and my son’s picture came up. He recognized him.
When I was in high school I had a boyfriend who said he liked country music and I said that I did not because it sounded like “suicide music”. I don’t think that was my name for it, probably something I heard. Anyhow, what I thought of country music was whining women about the guy who did them wrong, yada yada yada. He introduced me to Hank Williams and Alabama, to name just a couple favorites. Well, after this I was open to hearing more country music.
In college, I worked in Disney World for a semester on the college program. There was a bar, I think closer to Cocoa Beach than Lake Buena Vista, called Rodeo. I only went once or twice but I wanted so badly to learn line dancing. I never really did.
Now I do still listen to country, but mixed in with other stuff. After losing my first husband I listened to a song every day on the way to and on the way home from work that helped me cope.
Lyrics
I got rice cooking in the microwave Got a three day beard I don’t plan to shave And it’s a goofy thing but I just gotta say, hey I’ma doing alright
Yeah, I think I’ll make me some home-made soup I’m feeling pretty good and that’s the truth It’s neither drink nor drug induced, no I’m just doing alright
And it’s a great day to be alive I know the sun’s still shining When I close my eyes There’s some hard times in the neighborhood But why can’t every day be just this good Ah, yeah
It’s been fifteen years since I left home I said good luck to every seed I’d sown Gave it my best and then I left it alone I hope they’re doing alright
Now I look in the mirror and what do I see A lone wolf there staring back at me Long in the tooth but harmless as can be Lord, I guess he’s doin’ alright
And it’s a great day to be alive I know the sun’s still shining When I close my eyes There’s some hard times in the neighborhood But why can’t every day be just this good
Sometimes it’s lonely, sometimes it’s only me And the shadows that fill this room Sometimes I’m falling, desperately calling Howling at the moon, ah-ooh, ah-ooh Yeah-yeah, oh-oh
Well, I might go get me a new tattoo Or take my old Harley for a three day cruise Might even grow me a Fu Manchu
And it’s a great day to be alive I know the sun’s still shining When I close my eyes There’s some hard times in the neighborhood But why can’t every day be just this good
It’s a great day to be alive I know the sun’s still shining When I close my eyes There’s some hard times in the neighborhood But why can’t every day be just this good, ah-ooh, oh yeah-yeah
Then as the days went on and I heard other tunes by other artists this song by Marin Morris became sort of my anthem. She isn’t necessarily considered full country but she fits in there.
Lyrics
I’ve cussed on a Sunday I’ve cheated and I’ve lied I’ve fallen down from grace A few too many times But I find holy redemption When I put this car in drive Roll the windows down and turn up the dial
Can I get a hallelujah Can I get an amen Feels like the Holy Ghost running through ya When I play the highway FM I find my soul revival Singing every single verse Yeah I guess that’s my church
When Hank brings the sermon And Cash leads the choir It gets my cold cold heart burning Hotter than a ring of fire When this wonderful world gets heavy And I need to find my escape I just keep the wheels rolling, radio scrolling ‘Til my sins wash away
Can I get a hallelujah Can I get an amen Feels like the Holy Ghost running through ya When I play the highway FM I find my soul revival Singing every single verse Yeah I guess that’s my church
Can I get a hallelujah Can I get an amen Feels like the Holy Ghost running through ya When I play the highway FM I find my soul revival Singing every single verse Yeah I guess that’s my church
Hey, can I get a hallelujah Can I get an amen Feels like the Holy Ghost running through ya When I play the highway FM I find my soul revival Singing every single verse Yeah I guess that’s my church Yeah I guess that’s my church Yeah I guess that’s my church
When my memories go crazy and I go back in my past I see all my accomplishments and some that really last I see the laughs and hear the joy in this love I am so calm But then my breath gets caught off guard my emotional lethal bomb.
He placed his lips upon her hand The warmth was slowly fading His life was changing before his eyes No chance for hope or waiting His dearest friend and closest love was slipping from this world He knew that he’d be okay now But then grief would be unfurled.
I have wanted to write to you every day but the sadness and tears have kept me away I think of it often and say that I’ll try But each day goes on, each day goes by
I think of the words I’d write in my note about all of the things said and things that you wrote I’d write about things that we did in the past But my sadness and sorrow swallow it up really fast
I hear of the people who lost their loved one and it seems like these practices all have been done Things meant to keep all the memories near and alive Things meant to be said if only you had survived
And so I sit here in tears with my pen and my pad Thinking of all the good times that we already had Trying to know that what’s happened is done Trying to keep going even now that you’re gone.
Stine Writing 
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