As I walk along I see the broken twigs across this leaf covered path. This path used to guide a dirt bike, whether through dry dirt or soft mud, winding up into the trees, circling back down, and ending at the edge of the yard.
Now the path is covered. It has not been disturbed in months. It will never be ridden through again, no dirt bike to crush the sticks and leaves underneath. This is the barrenness of harvest or pestilence, that leaves a path to settle forever.
Once upon a time there was a regular family that lived in a regular house with a regular dog. There was a regular mother, regular father, and two regular kids. This family did regular things like going to regular movies and taking regular vacations. One day something happened and the regular family changed. On this day the regular mother got a really good job at a bank so now she was a banker. On this day the regular father got a really good job building houses and now he was a builder. On this day both children went to play with friends in their neighborhood and were now playmates.
With the world turned up it was easy to see that being regular was easier.
Good morning! Today I have a special event. I am going to a painting class with my father. Pastels, I believe. I am wearing a white shirt! We shall see what the results are, my shirt or the picture I produce. One should be nice! I will be posting later to share my artwork…Brave of me to say since I have no idea how it will come out but now I have to show the world…
So many of you know that I lost my son this past summer. I will never be the same. I lost my husband last year and I wasn’t the same after that. Losing my son is so different and this first year, all the “firsts” are the hardest. His birthday is coming up. He would have been twenty. I cry everyday. I write so that I have some outlet.
I have met a few women who have lost their sons too. I constantly think about all of the parents who have lost children. Sandy Hook. Cancer. Accidents. I cannot comprehend the purpose that losing a child could possibly have. I am told that God has reasons for what happens. I believe that. If He had taken my son first, my husband would have never survived losing his son. But I continue to question, why? Why my son? Why, after just losing his father?
I have a beautiful relationship with my daughter that I cherish more than I ever knew I could. I have a wonderful partner who holds me when I cry, laughs when I do something silly, and just sits and listens to my endless jabbering or story telling. I am thankful for what I have.
I guess the hardest part of all this, besides the pain of a broken heart, is that the rest of the world continues and moves forward while you sit in agony and watch time pass by. I am still trying to live my life, I have to, there really is no other choice. But when someone asks “how are you?”, what am I really supposed to say?
What is twilight but a time between light and dark? Is it twilight all of the time as the world rotates and it occurs somewhere at each moment? Is my twilight the same as the twilight a mile away, ten miles, 100 miles away?