Wondering about life
Is it cliché to say
I’m moving on with my life
even though I want to stand still
and let the tears cleanse my soul?
Or am I stuck in a rut?
Unable to move on
because the emotional pain
keeps coming back?
Where does this road end
and the new one begin?
Where does the sunshine
dry up all the rain?
When do I learn how to
look for a brighter future?
How do I keep myself focused
on the positive things I now have
in my life and ignore
Is it cliché to say
I will try one more time?
After my husband passed away in 2018 I decided I was done with all of the stuff we had accumulated as a couple. I wanted to minimize my load and start fresh. I sold just about everything! Dining room furniture, dishes, pots, pans, pictures, clothing, books, stereos, Christmas decorations, I mean everything! I kept the real important stuff that meant something to me but I let go of the rest. It felt good and bad. I cried over it so many times. I mean that was the past 20 years of my life being sold or donated! But, as I had been told by more than one person, this was my new life, I had to get used to it.
After my son passed away in 2019 I got rid of even more. I kept the things that I felt were good reminders of who he was as a person, the rest was just stuff. I wasn’t able to keep his room intact for long, unlike other people who find comfort in it. To me it was just a fake sense of “maybe he will be back”. Like I have said before, “everyone does it differently”.
So, when I think of subtraction, I have a lot less than I did even two years ago. I have gained some things like a wonderful companion and friend who shows me so much love. I have also gained, or actually regained, a wonderful relationship with my daughter, who is probably one of the most beautiful, caring, smart people I know. It feels okay sometimes to live with less. Sometimes I think how it would be nice to just turn back time and maybe get rid of a lot of it without losing two people I loved but God has made his decisions and that I must live with. The clutter is something I can live without!
Once I wished I could climb to the top of the highest mountain.
When I got there, I wished I could soar through the clouds like an eagle.
While soaring, I wished I could dive into the ocean and catch a large fish for dinner.
After catching the fish and letting him go, I wished I could swim to a beautiful coral reef to see the clownfish.
Once I saw the clownfish, I wished I could have that beautiful fish at my home.
That wish can’t come true.
I have to leave that clownfish in his own home.
He needs his home to survive.
My house cannot meet his needs.
I wish that I lived on the side of an ocean where I could have an underwater bedroom with a glass window to see the fish swim by.
I wish all of the clownfish could know that they should swim by my window, where they would be safe.
When An Idiot Talks
While At Inconvenient Tracts
When Anyone Interrupts Thinking
Where Assholes Incessantly Thrive
Who Actually Idolizes Temptation
What Am I Theorizing?
As I sit quietly waiting I ponder my reason for being here.
Is it the quiet inside my car? Is it the bustle all around me?
As I sit quietly waiting I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
Should I be tense right now? Should I be sitting well relaxed?
As I sit quietly waiting I turn my gaze toward the side door.
Is that him exiting the building? Is it that time already?
As I sit quietly waiting I feel the quiver through my body.
Is that my nerves that he may see me? Is it anticipation?
As I sit quietly waiting I feel a heat travel through my body.
Is that a flame waiting for kindle to reignite it? Is it shame?
As I sit quietly waiting I realize the bond was broken years ago and I do not want to go back.