So many of you know that I lost my son this past summer. I will never be the same. I lost my husband last year and I wasn’t the same after that. Losing my son is so different and this first year, all the “firsts” are the hardest. His birthday is coming up. He would have been twenty. I cry everyday. I write so that I have some outlet.
I have met a few women who have lost their sons too. I constantly think about all of the parents who have lost children. Sandy Hook. Cancer. Accidents. I cannot comprehend the purpose that losing a child could possibly have. I am told that God has reasons for what happens. I believe that. If He had taken my son first, my husband would have never survived losing his son. But I continue to question, why? Why my son? Why, after just losing his father?
I have a beautiful relationship with my daughter that I cherish more than I ever knew I could. I have a wonderful partner who holds me when I cry, laughs when I do something silly, and just sits and listens to my endless jabbering or story telling. I am thankful for what I have.
I guess the hardest part of all this, besides the pain of a broken heart, is that the rest of the world continues and moves forward while you sit in agony and watch time pass by. I am still trying to live my life, I have to, there really is no other choice. But when someone asks “how are you?”, what am I really supposed to say?
What is twilight but a time between light and dark? Is it twilight all of the time as the world rotates and it occurs somewhere at each moment? Is my twilight the same as the twilight a mile away, ten miles, 100 miles away?